to rent a house.
to work so hard.
to find a boy.

Sigh.

wishpond

and the fuckstory shall end. the crow shall fly even to the middle of the sea...

silly

to ride you on my cycle. a wish from a long time ago.

it is time to leave. i had thought of writing a poem this day a week back. but i have nothing to say now. its time to leave. feels like im leaving a piece of me behind. things need to be done still. before its time to leave.

Ouch

Washed with care. Thought out for the next three days mostly. The mirror never lied. Oh so beautiful. Heart beating walk to the mess for breakfast. Sometimes hurried sometimes cool. How do I believe it will end tomorrow. How do I believe it's the last time tomorrow. How do I believe it's the last day of class tomorrow.

First Phase Polling

Red terror has been predominant as anticipated. Elections have been disrupted at several places in Jharkhand, Orissa, Chattisgarh.

In my polling station at shamirpet (Malkajgiri and Medchal Constituencies, Andhra Pradesh) about 260 people (About 1200 are registered there) had voted till 11 in the morning. All seemed so good. Lots of people men, women. Long ques in spite of the heat. So many of us have that faith and feel bound by duty. It was an amazing feeling. To have faith in that one vote. Magical.

I voted. I was so nervous inside. I'd never imagined that before. In the booth I was shaking as I cast my vote, scared I would mess up the buttons. I was fucking nervous. It feels so good.

Hope there is no further fuck up and secutiry is in control.

Elections 2009, India!

Today the 2009 general elections polling begins. My area goes to poll - Andhra Pradesh first phase. There's this crazy excitement, it's 1:30 in the morning and I get no sleep. You see I'm going to vote tomorrow for the first time. Long live democracy.

In Andhra Pradesh the polls are both for the centre and the state. I get to vote double. It's like I have something so precious in my hands. Idealistic? yeah very and very proud to be too.

I have done my homework. Checked up on the contesting candidates. The mandatory affidavits required of the candidates stating criminal record if any, any pending criminal charges FIRs, their assets and liabilities are available online for inspection on the election commissions website. All cheers to the Supreme Court for declaring that it was the citizens fundamental right to know all about contestants (Association for Democratic Reforms Case and the PUCL Case). Im working on decriminalisation of politics for my election seminar, more on that soon. Details about candidates are summarised on Association for Democratic Reforms Website as well.

Which party I'd like to see in power at first doesnt seem difficult to choose. But then I ask what kind of a party doesnt try to make up for the past. 1984 trial is still not done? Hello....

God knows what is worse. But I can say which leaders are better at least.

But sadly my hopes of voting the congress back to power may have been crushed by the congress itself. Their candidate from my area has an FIR filed against him under Section 353 of the Indian Penal Code for assaulting a government official and disrupting his functioning. Nothing is proved yet. I don't know what to do. Vote for him or not vote for him. Had charges been framed I'd surely not vote for him. Oh God damn the congress for putting me through such testing times.....DON'T PUT UP TAINTED CANDIDATES, SHOULDNT BE THAT DIFFICULT.

We shall vote at sunrise, I will pray that someday, in my lifetime our politics will be clean.

Gratitude

I cleaned the window, cleaned the lamp, dusted the speakers, moped the floor. I emptied the plastic rack and washed it under the tap. I took care of the spider webs and dusted the fan. I put away old newspapers and put important papers in place, important being randoms words scribbled here and there. I smiled with regret as I found stuff that I was supposed to put up on my wall. I bundled up clothes fifty pieces to give to the dhobi. I did it all with so much care. I was doing it all for the last time. It was time to leave. Leave home.

Summer Moon

The moon doesn't care enough to move.
The summer ain't that hot.
A lover seeks the other in all the emptiness created.

All

He smiled. All that money I have. When something is so precious, that you breathe slow for fear of losing it. Why the fuck is summer so expensive, all the drinks and ice cream and nice shorts. Why the fuck is he so fucking beautiful. It's time to leave. It's been an awesome life around here. Writing, stories, law, ignorance, love, men, lonely times, rain, heartbreak, envy, dreams, hope, joy...

One end to another beginning. Halleluiah.

adult?

It's time almost to move to that city(dilli meri jaan). Pay my rent. Feed myself. Clothe myself. Look out for parents, friends. To answer every call. To call people each night. To work honestly. To live up to myself. When the fuck did I get this old. How the fuck did I get here so soon.

Amen.

Celebration time...

The Crow has won a fiction writing competition - second place - a ten thousand rupees!!!
Cheers to the organizers, the crow shall ever be grateful.

It's crazy. The last time that I ever won anything was back in school (years ago now) - my medals at long distance running and 400 m. That was the only thing I'd ever been "good" at. That was the only time when I pushed myself to get better. That was the only time I ever wanted to be good at something. Since then yes I want to write better, teach myself.

I've always told my friends that the only thing I wish to achieve in law school is to win some writing competition - legal or otherwise. And this comes just when needed most - when I've been thinking of how law school has been a waste - how I didn't push myself to make something out of me - how I didn't try to see my space in this world, I didn't even realise that was the purpose of life - how I'd never make the same mistake again - and how from now my life was going to be bigger than me.

Oh and yes I dared to read my "award winning entry" again, I think it sucks, could have been much much better. Can't wait to sound the way I want to sound

The crow shall live a mighty big life, however long. There's work to do. It is time, finally.

Yellow Flowers

In the summertime there will be joy.

In the summertime you'll learn to be a friend again.

In the summertime you'll learn to love again.

In the summertime you'll never be angry again.

In the summertime you'll unlearn that damn feeling called envy.

In the summertime you'll be the same again.

Amen.

Love

He'll talk of how tall you were.
He'll talk of how you woke up at five each morning and got him dressed for work.
He'll talk of the fruits he bought for you to feed the monkeys and the pigeons.
He'll tell of how much liked open spaces.
He'll talk of how strong you were.
He'll talk of how happy you made him.
He'll talk of what you liked to watch on TV.
He'll talk of how you liked the books.
He'll show things you chose to buy at shops.
He'll show pictures of you for all to see how beautiful you are and how proud he is.
He'll talk of how his only wish was to send you to school.
They lived for you, you taught them to.
You did them proud and happy.
Proud and happy they shall always be.
Amen.

To be a woman?

There is a lake near my college. During the rains it enters campus, that close. The entire area surrounding it is a rocky open space with hillocks, all desolate except for the recent settlement that's coming up. I've spent several evenings by the lake and one morning. It's mostly after I'v cycled the two kilometre stretch from college to the main road and back that I cycle to the lake and my friend who goes for a jog joins me later. Or I go their with friends for a stroll. We sit and just stare, it's the thing that the sea, the river does to you, the breeze. There are plenty of different kinds of birds too. I'm not nature loving kind of person and I didn't know a thing about birds before this. There are also ducks these days. Spending the evening there is my idea of a good evening in college.

The place is also a hangout area for lovers and those getting to know each other. Like I said I go there with my friends. However I have DARED to go there alone few times. Dared, I'm a woman you see. The first time I went alone was because from a distance I could see couples from my college sitting there so I knew I'd be safe. And so I went and sat at a place which wouldn't bother them. Each time I'm alone cycling and there's no friend out for a stroll or a jog I look out hopefully to see people from my college. Mostly they're there and SO I get to do what I want. Once there was nobody and I cycled along searching, hoping and returned upset. Today the same happened however I'd experienced too well my feelings from that day, so I decided to go. There were few men near the temple on the way but I still went. When I reached the lakeside I didn't sit first I kept standing with my back to the lake looking to see what the men near the temple were doing. Then I thought it was a stupid thing to be so scared and that I should just sit and if somebody did try to mess with me I would FUCKING KILL, KILL.

I sat there today staring at the lake cursing. I could fucking shoot every man who has ever made a woman feel less just because she's a woman.

PS - In the passing I also hate men for the foul smell they create, apart from the ever present body odour (No and it's not about using a deodrant, village men smell, village women don't). "dammit stop spraying the walls and the roadside of every city with your piss, it fucking stinks, Loser!" I say. Every looked forward visit to the city is welcomed by the stench at the bus stop. AWESOME.

"The Enemy"

Surprise surprise I read something sensible on the current terror issues between India and Pakistan. The Hindu Editorial, Pakistan: need for smart diplomacy, Amitabh Mattoo & Happymon Jacob.

The two of them are of the opinion that Indian action or response towards Pakistan has never taken into concern the various complexities of Pakistan. Our response has always been to an enemy so to say and the same is never going to help create a Pakistan that is at peace with itself and in harmony with the region.

Then they talk of the four likely possibilities of Pakistan's future, the last being Friendly Pakistan. And how even not supporting such a view on grounds of bias, prejudice is going to cost us a big deal. And thus based on just practicality or ideals our duty should be to act only and only in a way to promote understanding.

"Finally and ulikely as it seems today, there still exists a possibility of a Friendly Pakistan. It would be rooted in Mohammed Ali Jinnah's original design for the State: Muslim, Moderate and Modern. It is this Pakistan that an Indian grand strategy must systematically work towards constructing."

Sigh.

"Kaala Bandar" - "काला बन्दर"

The evil in her she saw in others. Now the only way to get rid of all the evil was to throw it all in the wishing pond and pray..

वीरानी हालत

'नवाबी हिन्दी' में तुम्हे एक कहानी लिख दूँ?
ख़ुद को कैसे खुश कर लूँ?
खुश हो लूँ बस।
हालत बड़ी बेकार है।

PS - the title is copied from Atif Aslam's album called "हंगामी हालत"

Neurotic and happy to be

Dear Z has diagnosed me to be neurotic.

Merriam Webster: Neurosis : A mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias)

Psychosis : fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behaviour.

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