Apologies

big words
random day
fleeting glances.

no words
no madness
for you to smile.

जय हिंद

"देश मेरे
देश मेरे
मेरी जान है तू।
देश मेरे
देश मेरे
मेरी शान है तू"

जय हिंद।

Happy Birthday Mommy.

I ran. I ran staring at the sky, I didn't wish to "paint it red" I liked it blue so I looked straight again and ran. I stopped, talked and laughed, that makes me very happy. Then I ran again. Happy. I was outside my house. I went inside and sat beside my mother, I put my head on her shoulder, she touched my face, and I cried out of love for her. Then I left home and ran through my town, crying, still failing to understand why I loved it so much.

Then I ran to the city I've always wanted to go to. It was just what I'd always thought it to be. I stopped panting for breath. Marvelling at what I saw. Then I ran again, the city didn't end at the sea. So I ran till I reached the sea. I stood on the sand, panting, with my hands on my waist. Satisfied with how far I'd come. There was a man selling ice candy. Strange. I've never seen ice candy near the sea. I didn't buy any, I don't like pink candy.

Then I ran east. To this country where my father lived for a few years when he was young. I've never fancied going there, but that was what was there to the east. So I reached this country. I was a little tired so I decided to stay for sometime. At the centre of this town, was a place where they taught how to dance. So I stayed and learnt how to dance. It was magical.

Then I ran back. I ran towards this friends house, she met me half the way. We hugged. She took me home. She cooked for me, gave me her soap, her clothes to wear. We talked. She fed me dinner with her little cousins. Then we went up to her room and slept together under what she calls her warm magic blanket. We slept till noon. Then it was time to leave. I stood at the door in her clothes. And I said goodbye hoping to meet the most loving person I know again.

Then I just ran. Thinking random thoughts. I just kept running. I knew the dead end. I knew it. I knew I had to run to you. My life I had put in a little box and given to you. And you wouldn't even tell me where you kept it. You wouldn't even tell me if you tossed it into the sea, and dreamt your dreams happily in the night, unaware of my existence. While I lived happily in the box I gave you. It doesn't break my heart, I've never cried wanting you to love me. I just gave it all to you beacuse I wanted you to konw the secret I put in the box. And I wouldn't care if the world didn't know I was dead. I knew I wanted to give it you.

I gave it all to you. Yes you.

कुम्बक कू कुम्बक कू

घोडे की पूँछ
झरने के नीचे
नानी के घर के पीछे ।

पूँछ का आधा तुम्हारे लिए
पूँछ का आधा मेरे लिए ।

Fool

True lies

Fool

Crazy love

Fool

Silent prayer

Fool

Hope

Fool

The Ash Wind

She was happy, very happy. The wind as always took her right places. She felt divine. Then from out of nowhere came the ash wind. And then she lost control of herself, her senses, her heart, her mind and her body. She was sick, very sick. Maybe not really sick, but sick. She lost control of her mind.Eighteen days since the ash wind came, now she sits and cries. Her bones hurt, she hasn't really eaten since then. She wants you to listen. She loves you. She thinks you're the magic in her life, the thought of you, the things she does because of you, the sight of you "makes her come alive". She thinks life is joy, and a lot of it comes because of you. She thinks telling you this will cure her. She thinks loving you will cure her.

They loved her. She cried, they understood. They fed her, made her sleep, took care of her, just like family. They bloody loved her. She loves them too.

But she'd lost control of her senses. There was fear, just fear. She couldn't sleep, with her heart beating wild with fear. People call it anxiety, hypochondria, stress, how did it matter to her, for her it was just fear. She tried to paint it with colours in the day - blue, yellow, red, she prayed in the night finally. She couldn't really share it, they made her sleep close by, but the fear was hers and hers alone, in the dead of the night, the sounds of her body, the tremor of a nerve, the beat of a vein terrified her.

She wanted to love you. But she couldn't, not as much as she wanted to. Not in her sickness.

She was just scared. Very scared.

She loves you.